Jenny Kane: Coffee, cupcakes, chocolate and contemporary fiction / Jennifer Ash: Medieval crime with hints of Ellis Peters and Robin Hood

Tag: Nell Peters

Guest Blog from Nell Peters: All Hallows Eve and so on….

It’s the last day of the month, which only means one thing on my blog – its time to hand over to the fantastic Nell Peters…

Good morning/afternoon/evening, folks – and thank you for inviting me back, Jenny!

Apart from it being the three hundred and fifth day of the (leap) year, the most obvious thing to say about the last day of October is that it’s Halloween, or All Hallows Eve, preceeding All Saints’ Day on November 1st. While it has a dodgy rep for witches, scary monsters, ghouls and ghosts, and creepy things that go bump in the night (in Mexico it’s called Day of the Dead), the celebration is actually rooted in the Celtic holiday, Samhain. That’s not a person, but a Gaelic festival marking the end of the harvest season and the beginning of winter, the darker half of the year. To symbolically lighten these months, lanterns were originally made from hollowed-out turnips in the UK (arguably the best possible use of that particular root veg), but when Irish immigrants in America found that pumpkins were more readily available there, the tradition evolved.

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Halloween became a big thing over the pond and one of the most commercially exploited days of the year, along with Mothers’ Day (when I lived in Montreal, a friend was given not a measly bunch of flowers, but a top of the range dishwasher!) and Thanksgiving. British retailers haven’t been slow on the uptake either, with costumes (whatever happened to an old white sheet with eye holes cut in?), plastic collecting buckets for loot shaped like pumpkins, scary masks and decorations and a whole host of other tat. I expect you can buy Happy Halloween greeting cards too, if you’ve a mind – after all, when Happy Divorce cards started to roll off the printing presses, good taste flapped out the window faster than a vampire bat that’s spotted a blood bank.

carved-pumpkins

Some pumpkin lanterns are truly works of art and so intricately carved, it must take the whole of October at least to complete the design – imagine your weapon of choice slipping at the last millimetre and all that work going to waste. We’ve never been big on Halloween in this house, but I pay lip service to the day by attacking the smallest pumpkin I can find with an apple corer to make eyes and a large knife to slice a zigzag mouth – sorted. They are horrid to scoop out, with all that slimy stringy stuff (reminds me of Donald Trump’s hair, and that of his separated-at-birth twin, Animal from the Muppets) and zillions of sticky seeds that get everywhere. I’ve only actually eaten it once – at a Thanksgiving weekend party in Toronto (in October, unlike the US version in November), when the host insisted I give it a go. Pumpkin pie may well qualify as one of the most hideous foods going, even worse than oysters (tried at a champagne breakfast) and whelks (I’d rather stick needles in my eyes!) Maybe a soup tastes better, and I have seen some quite adventurous pumpkin recipes on social media lately, but I think I’ll give them a miss – thanks anyway.

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Usually I buy a fun bag of sweeties to hand out to any waifs and strays who arrive on the doorstep, but it’s all a bit of a leap from the nineteenth century children in Scotland and Ireland, who went from door-to-door praying for souls, or performing for money or cakes on All Hallows Eve. My faith in modern day Trick or Treaters was somewhat tarnished years ago, when one of the little buggers stole the pumpkin lantern I’d put at the front door to make them feel welcome. Now our lantern sits safely in the back garden on one of the tables, to radiate its radiance when we have the family here for a Bonfire Night party – and I bought life-sized glow-in-the-dark plastic skeletons to string up in the trees, when I remember, to combine the two events.

Of people born on this day, we continue the horror theme with Jimmy Savile (1926), whose lifespan of almost eighty-five years (he died two days before his birthday) encompassed more debauched behaviour than the folk of Sodom and Gomorrah on performance enhancing drugs. And I wonder which genius felt he was a worthy candidate for a knighthood? Perhaps Jim fixed it? Just goes to show you can make a pretty good job of fooling nearly all the people all the time, by wearing shiny tracksuits, stupid glasses, having a ridiculous haircut, and saying ‘now then, now then’ at every given opportunity, while waggling a fat cigar. Let’s leave him to rot …

Much nicer people (not that I knew them of course, but I feel it’s a very safe assumption) to be born this day were Dick Francis (1920) – he of steeplechase jockey fame and author of crime novels set around all things gee-gee, and Daphne Oxenford (1919), actress.

Daphne Oxenford

Daphne Oxenford

To those of us who are of a more … erm … mature vintage, Daphne will forever be the (radio) voice of Listen with Mother, broadcast daily Monday to Friday at 13.45, if I remember correctly. For me, that was fifteen minutes of sheer bliss, lost in my imagination – although without ‘Mother’, who would always find something better to do. On TV, Daffers clocked up an impressive list of credits, including Coronation Street, The Sweeney, To the Manor Born, Midsomer Murders, Doctor Who, and many, many more.

More recently, international rugby scrum half Matt Dawson was born on this day in 1972. He was a member of the England team who won the 2003 Rugby World Cup in Australia. At that time, #3 and 4 sons (plus the OH on the rare occasions he was around) were playing (grass) hockey for local team, the Pelicans, and all the players and their families went to the clubhouse to watch the final, played against the host nation.

Jonny Wilkinson

Jonny Wilkinson

Matt Dawson

Matt Dawson

Apart from a St Patrick’s Day I spent in Glasgow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much beer swilled so early in the morning! Not by me, I hasten to add. With the score at an even 17-17 the game was into extra time with just twenty-six seconds left on the clock, when that nice Jonny Wilkinson kicked a drop goal. As the funny-shaped ball sailed through the air toward the posts, every bottom left its seat, every neck craned and everyone stopped breathing in that clubhouse – I think even the beer remained temporarily undrunk in glasses – for what seemed like forever, but could only have been seconds in reality. And when the score notched up to 20-17, the roof left the rest of the building far behind. More beer …

While #3 played on the wing, #4 played in goal for Pelicans – quite a dangerous position when you are punching well above your age in a male team full of strapping, athletic brutes. His kit was unbelievably expensive and so bulky with wall-to-wall padding, it was dragged around in a 5’ long kit bag with wheels one end. He needed help getting it on because of the sheer weight, and he looked like a brightly-coloured deep sea diver (the helmet with metal caging over his face helped here) when standing in his goal, trying to look menacing. I was always quite surprised he could move at all, let alone with any speed, when one of those evil, hard white balls was heading toward his net and him at the speed of light. I’d have run a mile.

hockey-goalie

In contrast, when we played hockey at my all-gels school (not through choice, I might add) the field players wore regular PE kit – stupid culottes, knee length socks, an aertex shirt and (but only in blizzard conditions, when the Gym Mistress strutted around in a huge sheepskin coat and fur-lined boots) a tracksuit top. Our regulation hockey boots were glorified black plimsolls with circles of rubber to protect ankles – and the only concession for the goalie was a pair of very unattractive (and no doubt pretty cumbersome) cricket pads to protect her shins. I played right wing because I could run fast and it was much easier to pass to the left wing, so I could trundle up and down and amuse myself for an hour or so, without having to hit the wretched ball.

cabbage-patch

The school was in Twickenham, home of rugby (do you see what I did there?)  Every morning my friends and I would swarm from the train station en route for the school gates, passing a pub called the Cabbage Patch. The name comes from the early nickname for the now magnificent Twickenham Rugby Ground, after all-round sportsman and property entrepreneur, William Williams (whose parents obviously had no imagination whatsoever), was asked by the RFU to find a home ground for the England game in 1906. But they were so doubtful about his choice of agricultural land, it was scornfully dubbed ‘Billy Williams’ Cabbage Patch.’ Despite difficulties, two covered stands were eventually built east and west of the pitch and the ground opened on 9 October 1909.

Twickernham

Twickernham

Less than two thousand spectators watched the new home team, Harlequins (long ago banished to a much smaller ground the other side of the dual carriageway), beat Richmond 14-10. The railway station in Twickenham taken so much for granted by my friends and I, was only built originally to bring in rugby fans, as the ground grew in size and the game in popularity.

Billy Williams

Billy Williams

webb-ellis-cup

Another pub in the town was in more recent years renamed the William Webb Ellis, after the Rugby School pupil who supposedly ‘invented’ the game, when he caught the ball and ran with it, during a football game in 1823. Tsk! The Rugby World Cup is named the Webb Ellis Cup after William, who was at the school as a foundationer – i.e. he attended fee-free, after his army-widowed mother moved with her sons to live within a ten mile radius of the Rugby Clock Tower to meet the criteria. Good for her! Had she not upped sticks, on the £30 pension she received following her husband’s death in the Peninsular War, she would never have been able to afford such a good education for her boys. William became a clergyman and his older brother, Thomas, a surgeon.

William Webb Ellis

William Webb Ellis

Out of season, the Rugby Ground is used for other things – when I was a kid, I remember every few years hordes of Jehovah’s Witnesses would descend from all over the world to camp there for a convention lasting several days. I don’t expect the Cabbage Patch noticed an upsurge in trade though, as drinking is only allowed very much in moderation – as are music, parties and dancing. One of the DinLs was brought up as a JW, but strayed many years ago – possibly after she found vodka comes in litre bottles. She’s also heavily into Christmas, Easter and birthdays, none of which are celebrated by those of the faith – certainly cheaper that way! We had a bit of a worrying time a few months ago, when her second child was – like his big sister – born very early and by an emergency caesarean section. Because she and #2 son aren’t actually married, her parents are still technically her next of kin – so it was very fortunate that no permission had to be sought for a blood transfusion, which is a definite JW no-no. William (another one!) is now eight months old and thriving, in case you were wondering …

Rock concerts are also held at the ground – including over the years local bands like the Rolling Stones, The Who and Genesis. I went to junior school with Phil Collins for a while until he transferred to stage school, but sadly I don’t remember him – and it’s always possible he doesn’t remember me too well either.

phil-collins-genesis

Hang on! I do believe his autobiography was published just recently – maybe I’ll nip over to Amazon and see if I get a mention. You think?

Toodles!

NP

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Author.to/NellPeters

All of Nell’s books can be found on amazon, and at all good book retailing sites.

nell-peters-books

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Another fabulous end of the month blog!

Many thanks Nell,

Happy reading,

Jenny xx

Guest Blog from Nell Peters: From Holly Golightly to Crippen…with a touch of Vidal…

It’s the end of the month- which means I’m handing over to the fabulous Nell Peters. This month’s blog is quite incredible- you have to read it! Where else could you read about notorious killers alongside a cockerel and Angela Lansbury?

Over to you Nell….

Thanks, Jenny, and hello everyone! Here we are again, happy as can be? It’s OK – I didn’t sing. Really; ask the neighbours, although you might want to wait until they’ve had their surgically-implanted earplugs removed.

One of the highlights for me this month has been the unexpected arrival of Vladimir – nothing to do with that rather scary Mr Putin, the Russian President who refuses to keep his shirt on, or a champion in something called League of Legends. I have no idea what that is, so let’s move swiftly on. My Vladimir arrived in a classy gift wrap of plastic bag and now resides in the garden. I have another fowl!

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But before anyone starts predicting murder most foul J, flying feathers and a bad case of feline indigestion, let me explain that Vladimir is a sculpted metal cockerel. Sons #3 and 4 gave him to me to soften the blow of losing Pavlova and Svetlana, whom I still miss – especially during my early morning garden strolls, when they would gambol up to me, noisily demanding food. The sons chose a black model over rusty red because it was closest to Svetlana’s plumage, and she was actually given to me, as opposed to Pavlova (a very attractive redhead) who turned up uninvited and decided to make herself at home – to rule the roost, as it were. As #4 said, ‘Let’s see how Killer Kat rocks this bad boy.’ So glad his school fees weren’t wasted…

30th September marks the birth in 1924 of Truman Streckfus Persons – you don’t get many of those to the pound – better known later as Truman Capote, the American novelist, screenwriter, playwright, and actor. You didn’t get an invitation to his birthday bash? Me neither – possibly because he didn’t have our addresses, or he’s using the excuse he’s been dead for a while (a mere thirty-two years, which is really no defence at all). Never mind, we’ll treat ourselves to a birthday Breakfast at Tiffany’s in his honour, shall we? Gluten free croissants for me, please – aka cardboard cut-outs of the real thing. And I mean cardboard. I bet Connie Gustafson didn’t have such a boring diet. Who she? The character Holly Golightly started life as Connie, became Holiday Golightly and – I imagine much to Audrey Hepburn’s relief – ended up as Holly G.

Truman Capote

Truman Capote

Capote was not averse to picking fights with others, one of whom was another celebrated US writer, Gore Vidal (bit of a competition for the weirdest name going on here, although Gore was born Eugene, so cheated a bit) – a man equally famous for his own feuds. Capote once said of Vidal, ‘I’m always sad about Gore – very sad that he has to breathe every day.’ To which Vidal retorted, ‘Truman made lying an art form – a minor art form.’ Boys, boys, less of the bitchy remarks! Play nicely, or I will have to rescind gobstopper privileges. It was Vidal who got the last laugh however, when Capote died many years before his own demise, and he described the death as, ‘A good career move.’ Meow! Probably just as well Twitter hadn’t been invented when they were at each other’s throats, or they’d never have written anything except 140 character insults.

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What else has happened on this day over the years? I’m so glad you asked.

My favourite event – and only because I have the most basic (some might say truly pathetic) sense of humour – is that Samuel Slocum patented the stapler in 1841. Now, I’ve never actually seen the TV programme Are You Being Served? just occasional excerpts – but even I know about Mrs Slocum’s pussy. So, apologies to Samuel S for not affording his magnificent invention the deference it deserves, and will everyone else please excuse me for a moment while I drag my mind from the smut gutter. Thank you.

Sticking with that oblique reference to broadcasting, in 1967, BBC Radio 1 hit the airwaves, launched with Tony Blackburn’s melodious tones and Flowers in the Rain, sung by The Move. (I now have the damned song rattling around my head!) I imagine all the ex-pirate DJs from Radios Caroline (as in Kennedy) and London that the Beeb employed for their new station, were mighty happy to have their feet back on terra firma at last – rampant seasickness can’t be too good for the creative juices. I wonder how many of those DJs are still around – and of those who have popped their clogs, how many were buried at sea for old times’ sake. Just asking.

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During various decades, The Flintstones, The Jerry Springer Show and Murder She Wrote debuted on this day. I love MSW – if I turn it on, it’s guaranteed to send #3 son scurrying for the sanctity of his room and his mega-huge TV, to watch something decent on Sky. Result! Awful mother? Me? Not at all! He returned to live rent free at the happy homestead for an agreed three month period over a year ago, ergo I have the patience of a saint – and if I briefly have to watch Angela Lansbury galumphing around righting wrongs, while everyone else in Cabot Cove meets a sticky end, to achieve a whole evening of peace and quiet, then so be it. Love or hate the programme, you have to admire the actress herself – almost ninety-one and still treading the boards. Only two years ago she played the eccentric medium Madame Arcati in a London production of Noel Coward’s Blithe Spirit, to great acclaim. Way da go, Angela!

BLITHE SPIRIT by Coward, , writer - Noel Coward, Directer - Michael Blakemore, Gielgud theatre, 2014, Credit: Johan Persson/

30th September 1888 was a Sunday, which Elizabeth Stride and Catherine Eddowes probably wished they’d observed as a day of rest, when they encountered Jack the Ripper and became his latest victims in the early hours of the morning. Elizabeth was Swedish and known as Long Liz – she was fond of a tipple and, with scant prospects of finding employment, had turned to prostitution to fund the booze, after her marriage broke up. She was killed first and about the time that her body was being discovered, Catherine (aka Kate), was released from Bishopsgate Police Station, where she’d spent a few hours in police custody in a drunken stupor. A cruel twist of fate if ever there was one. Her back story was much the same as Elizabeth’s; alcoholism fuelled by meagre earnings from prostitution.

elizabeth-stride

Elizabeth Stride

There’s a theory that whoever Jack was, he (perhaps she?) was disturbed while killing Elizabeth, because – apart from a slit throat, which can’t have been too pleasant – she didn’t suffer the grotesque disfiguring injuries inflicted upon other victims. Catherine, however, wasn’t so lucky and was subjected to a frenzy of mutilation – far more extreme and haphazard than any other victim, poor thing. I think we can safely assume Jack was majorly peed off at being interrupted first time around. How exceptionally scary life must have been on the streets of Whitechapel for ladies of that ilk, during the Ripper’s mercifully short reign.

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Catherine Eddowes

Incidentally, one DC Walter Dew of the Met, claimed in his memoirs to have discovered the body of the Ripper’s final victim Mary Jane Kelly, ‘The most gruesome memory of the whole of my Police career.’

Walter Dew

Walter Dew

Whilst his version of those events is challenged by some Ripperologists, Dew did rise through the ranks to Chief Inspector, and was responsible for the arrest of Dr Hawley Harvey Crippin, homeopath (and another contender for the odd name prize) for the murder of his second wife, Cora in 1910. Cora (born Kunigunde MackamotskiI believe we have an outright winner!) was a music hall singer whose stage name was Belle Elmore.

Cora Crippen

Cora Crippen

Poor old Doc C must have been feeling the tiniest bit smug as he sailed up the St Lawrence to Quebec City onboard the SS Montrose, along with his mistress, Ethel Le Neve disguised as a boy. Then DCI Dew spoiled any plans they might have had for a new life in the colonies by catching a faster ship, the SS Laurentic and reaching Quebec first. Crippen was the first criminal to be captured with the aid of wireless communication, after Dew telegraphed the captain of the Montrose to warn him of his dodgy passengers.

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But Crippin was such a silly Billy – if he’d sailed to America, being a US citizen it would have taken an extradition order to secure his arrest and return to the UK. But once he entered Canadian territory and became subject to the laws of the British Empire, he was Dew’s for the rattling of handcuffs. The jury took just twenty-seven minutes to find him guilty and he was executed by hanging a few months later at Pentonville Prison. Tried separately, Ethel was acquitted as an accomplice, married, had two children and lived to be eighty-four.

ethel-le-neve

Like Angela Lansbury, my dad is ninety-one – but he doesn’t remember what happened two seconds ago, let alone have the ability to retain all those lines and deliver them with aplomb. He rarely gets out of his chair, waving his walking stick and shouting orders at everyone, expecting to be waited upon hand and foot – perhaps that’s what comes of being raised in a household with servants. I’ll never know. His latest fancy is that my mother (or ‘that woman’, as she has become) is trying to murder him – and, frankly, who could blame her? I so want to be like Angela …

When Dad was in hospital recently, the OH and I left after visiting him and, while we were driving back to my parents’ house, a biker pulled up uncomfortably close to ride parallel. Gulp. It was hot and we had the windows open, so were sitting ducks –     when he leaned into us, black helmet gleaming, my life flashed before my eyes. ‘Your lunch is on the roof!’ he yelled. Doh! The OH had grabbed a sandwich on the way out to the car park and done the classic, bad comedy thing, leaving it on the roof when shoving stuff onto the backseat. Then he forgot all about it and drove off. Cue huge sighs of relief all round and a swift wrench of the steering wheel to pull over and retrieve said sandwich.

You couldn’t make it up – I didn’t.

Toodles.

NP

Nell Peters’ Amazon author page has a potted bio and tells you what books she has written. Find it here: Author.to/NellPeters 

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Amazing!!!! Another brilliant blog. Thank you so much Nell!

Happy reading,

Jenny x

 

Guest Blog from Nell Peters: Time Flies…

Amazingly it’s the end of the month again- and so the lovely Nell Peters is here. Today she is reflecting on the speed of time- or is possibly looking for an excuse to complain about Christmas… (Don’t miss exclusive story extract at the very end)

Over to you Nell…

A PW

Hello there – doesn’t time fly when you’re having fun? And even if you’re not, of course.

It’s once again the last day of the month, and also the OH’s birthday – but I won’t bother wishing him many happies on here, because he doesn’t ‘do’ social media. Probably just as well, as I’d certainly have to mind my Ps and Qs, and a few X, Y and Zs as well. I had a quick look to see who else shares his birthday on 31/8 – there were a dozen or so, but since I’ve never heard of any of them, I won’t bother to list them.

I had heard of a few people who died on this day, though – David Frost, Charles Baudelaire and John Bunyan, to name just three – plus this is the nineteenth anniversary of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales in Paris. I remember it was a Sunday and we’d planned a day at the beach to indulge the OH (I so hate sand!) with the younger two boys. En route, I mentioned the accident to #3 son, who was eight at the time and told him Diana had been killed in a car accident. He then uttered the immortal words, ‘What, Dodo as well?’ Even now, aged twenty-seven and with an enviable job that often requires him to fly around the world, he can be daft as a bog brush. He takes after me, sadly.

We live near Sandringham in Norfolk and in 1997 #3 & 4 sons were pupils at a (now closed) prep school, previously attended by Diana and her younger brother Charles, when they lived on the estate pre-Althorp. The uniforms cost a small fortune – including ghastly cherry-red blazers trimmed with gold, and caps, with duffle coats for winter in the same shade, all of which could probably be easily spotted from outer space. The school was in the grounds of a large house, with classrooms that were basically glorified sheds and freezing cold for the majority of the school year.

Yount Annie

The owners – Mrs P, widow of the school founder and her long-in-the-tooth son, neither of whom were qualified teachers – made a big thing about the Diana connection, but rarely mentioned her little brother, if ever. Perhaps he’d been caught doing something unseemly with snails or spiders during his time there – who knows? Or maybe he got his evil revenge on the ancestors of the horrid, smelly dogs that were allowed to roam free and bite pupils – one made quite an impression on the bottom of a certain ex-racing driver’s daughter, I seem to remember. Big trouble – Mrs ex-racing driver is a rather large woman and not someone to mess with (in the unlikely event you are reading this and recognise that description – just kidding!) She went through more nannies during the time I knew her than I had hot dinners.

Mrs P herself was an interesting psychological study – a strange mix of sycophant, narcissist and snob with skyscraper-sized delusions of grandeur, who looked down upon us fee-paying parents, while not being too proud to deposit our hefty cheques at the speed of light. I was on the parents’ committee and when she deigned to attend our meetings, there was a prize for any member who could get her tipsy enough to provide the free cabaret, slagging off unsuspecting parents who had a) not paid their fees on time or b) failed to show due deference to the old dear. And the hair! It was sculpted into a style that hadn’t been in vogue since 1940, with never a strand out of place (courtesy copious amounts of spray of concrete consistency, I suspect) even in the summer, when she drove an ancient sports car around town, top down, scaring other old ladies.

Last month, I made unsubtle reference to my birthday in the middle of July – when the calendar hits there, I always have the sinking feeling that we are past the longest day and so over half-way through the year. However, the summer hols are looming and there should still be many more long hot sunny days ahead (ever the optimist!) 31st August, on the other hand, hails the return to school for the autumn term and that slippery slope into cold weather, accompanied by the commercial gallop toward Christmas. No doubt as soon as the first assembly bell clangs, supermarkets will clear their shelves of non-essentials like food and fill them with Christmas tat. After all, they were advertising their Back to School wares before the children even broke up – and Easter eggs tend to appear as if by magic on 26th December.

Just lately, I’ve seen a lot of cover reveals for other authors’ Christmas novels on social media, plus the occasional post declaring it’s only xxx days to go before it’s time to incinerate the turkey once more. However – bearing in mind I write these ramblings well in advance, so that Jenny can correct my spelling mistakes and strike her red crayon through the bad language before I land upon her illustrious blog – I was genuinely shocked today when someone from ooop north told me that a garden centre in Harrogate is busily constructing their Christmas grotto! He tells me it’s extremely large and so will be a magnificently naff experience – that’s surely the best oxymoron of the week? J This on line conversation sparked comment from someone else, who assured us that Selfridges’ floor dedicated to all things Noel, has been up and running for a while. Seriously? I’ve heard the old adage ‘Shop early for Christmas,’ (no doubt perpetuated by retailers eager to clear their stock at full price, thus negating the possibility of making a loss in the January sales) but there’s early and there’s a flippin sparrow’s fart … And unless you live in the southern hemisphere, there is surely something not quite right about going tinsel shopping clad in scanty clothes, shades and flip-flops, smelling of sun tan lotion?

Bah Humbug

But, let he who is without sin cast the first rotten tomato. I have to confess I’ve already decided that our Christmas table colour scheme this year will incorporate the rather vulgar sparkly gold candles that someone gave me two or three years ago. I recently found them stashed at the back of a cupboard, whilst grovelling around for something else. Hideous they may be, but waste not, want not – and I do guiltily enjoy tacky every now and again, but don’t tell my mother!

Time I wasn’t here! A telepathic Happy Birthday! to the OH and anyone else who is clocking up yet another year today – and thanks again to Jen for having me!

Toodles.

NP

By Any Other Name 2

As you are no doubt sick of hearing, Nell Peters writes crime novels for Accent Press. You can find By Any Other Name and Hostile Witness here:

www.mybook.to/BAON

www.mybook.to/hostilewitness

Hostile Witness 2

Other masterpieces lurk, gathering dust, on Amazon KDP – some are even worth a look.

Twitter: @paegon

Facebook: www.facebook.com/NellPetersAuthor/

Amazon author page: www.Author.to/NellPeters

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Blurb for Hostile Witness

When her husband leaves her and their sons to shack up with a younger model, Callie Ashton thinks she’s hit rock bottom. She’s wrong. Already unemployed and struggling to hold everything together, Callie’s life goes into freefall when she stumbles across the murder of a neighbour. The killer soon becomes intent on despatching Callie too, wrongly assuming she can identify him.      Despite her new man being the officer in charge of the investigation, Callie’s in great danger – and it soon becomes clear the murderer isn’t too worried whom he kills or maims in his quest to eliminate her. No one is safe and the killer seems to know her every movement. With no resolution in sight, Callie feels she has no choice but to take matters into her own hands…but at what cost to her safety – and sanity?

Hostile Witness cover

Opening of Hostile Witness

A military tattoo pounded somewhere behind her eye sockets and her entire body shook involuntarily, despite the heavy blanket wrapped around her shoulders. A mug of sickly sweet tea that had been forced upon her quivered in her grasp, slopping some of its contents onto the tiled floor to pool in a muddy, irregular oval like a Rorschach reject.

Leaning across the table, the tubby policewoman frowned. ‘You know, ma’am, finding a dead body is a terrible shock for anyone – you should drink some of that tea and you’ll feel loads better.’

She really didn’t see how anything could possibly make her feel ‘loads better’, ever again. ‘I’m trying,’ she lied, wishing the constable would waddle off and leave her alone.

Though the whole country was in the grip of a heatwave, she felt icy sweat trickle a course down her spine, seeping into the tight waistband of her jeans and down to her knickers. She was aware her nose was running, but she couldn’t have cared less.

‘Have you contacted Giles – Mr Symonds – yet?’ she asked, ‘He travels a lot and Dee says … said … he always forgets to turn on his phone … and the children – what about the children?’

‘That’s all in hand, ma’am, and someone from Family Liaison has gone to the school to break the news. Sarah and Tom, isn’t it?’

‘Thomas … he’s always called Thomas.’ The PC’s manner was brisk and – to her at least – irritating.

‘Right you are, then – don’t you go worrying about no one else, everything is under control.’

More tears flowed unchecked and she slopped more tea, ‘Poor Giles – he left for work this morning and everything was normal … now his wife is dead. Poor Giles … poor Sarah and Thomas …’ She knew she was rambling, teetering on the verge of losing control – and she just wanted to be left in peace.

The policewoman grabbed a battered box of tissues from the work surface and thrust it towards her, heavy features clenched into an ugly, no-nonsense gargoyle grimace. ‘But it can’t have been normal, can it, ma’am – not if Mrs Symonds was planning to top herself, just as soon as them kids left for school?’

She didn’t like the woman’s attitude, but when she closed her eyes to blot her out, all she could see were the deep gashes in Dee’s white wrists as they bobbed in bloodied water. Her stomach lurched ominously and she was afraid she might be sick again …

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Once again, a massive thanks to Nell for such a great blog. I’m still chuckling.

Happy reading,

Jenny x

 

 

Guest Post from Nell Peters: Birthday Sharing

Somehow we’ve reached the end of another month, so I’m handing over my site to the lovely Anne Polhill Walton- aka crime writer- Nell Peters. Once again Nell has provided a brilliant blog- although a certain Mr Connery may not think so…you’ll see what I mean!

I urge you my friends, to read right to the bottom of the blog today. Life is full of twists of fate, some kind, some not so kind…

Birthday cake

Thank you, Jenny – and hello again, everyone J

As I mentioned in my last post here, Jenny and I celebrate our birthdays in July – both on the 13th in fact. Unlucky for some – most especially me, as I was born on a Friday, according to my mother … which explains a lot. So, too late now for you to shower us with impressive gifts this year, but most definitely a red-letter date in your 2017 diary. We share our big day with Sir Patrick Stewart, who boldly went – although not being a fan of Star Trek, Captain Kirk was at the helm last time I saw the programme. Then there’s Ian Hislop of Private Eye, who has also on occasion boldly gone, but in his case into print, closely followed by a court appearance, defending a libel case. Harrison Ford joins the line-up too, he of Han Solo and Indiana Jones fame. I’ve never seen Star Wars – do I sense a theme here, as in I seem to avoid anything with ‘star’ in the title? I do quite like Starbucks however, but only for tea as I don’t drink coffee (just don’t tell coffee addict Jenny!)

With four sons, I was unable to avoid all the Indiana Jones films – did I really read recently they are making another? Seriously? Harrison Ford is well into his seventies and his on-screen father, Sean Connery, is more than ten years older than that! They’ll surely be cavorting around, wronging rights from their bath chairs? Probably pushed around by scantily-clad beauties, though, as Hollywood OAPs are somewhat more attractive than the common or garden variety – they perhaps don’t need their Winter Fuel Allowance either, in sunny California.

There is a Connery connection to Jenny – not Sean, but his nipper Jason (he of the long, flowing locks), who played the eponymous role in the last of the Robin of Sherwood TV series many years ago. Where does the Jenny link come in, I hear you ask – go on, please ask, or I’ll have to think of something else to prattle on about (imagine a sad, pleading face here – oh, and violins playing). Well, Jen has had a bit of a thing about Robin Hood since she was a wee gel – one of her books is even entitled Romancing Robin Hood (and a sequel is brewing) – you don’t get much more dedicated than that. After a gap of thirty years, surviving members of the original TV cast have reprised their roles in The Knights of the Apocalypse – an audio drama crowdfunded by fans. We could speculate that they went for an audio production because there simply wouldn’t be enough Polyfilla available for the cast to appear recognisably on screen, but that would be cruel. I have seen a pic of Jason C, however – gravity has taken effect with a vengeance and his only hair now is sprouting from his chin. Whatever … while our ardent groupie Madam Kane managed to blag a ticket and hobnob with the stars at the premier performance (I’ve seen those pics too!), for me the best thing is that the production company is called Spiteful Puppet – genius name!

I digress: our communal birthday was on a Wednesday this year, but both Jen and I had the main event the weekend before – in my case, a family invasion for a BBQ on the Sunday. #4 son arrived early with his family, acting quite strangely (not wholly unusual), and holding a large cardboard box. When I asked what was in said box, he said he’d brought a load of crisps along because it’s not something we ever buy (true) and guests might just fancy a scrunch or two. He then sat me down and told me to immediately open the gift he shoved under my nose – a large bag of Pavlova the chicken’s favourite bird seed was revealed. Card next; on the left hand side were the questions ‘Do you know who Svetlana Alexievich is?’ and ‘What is she famous for?’

I coaxed the long-dormant brain cell into life and gave him my answers, before being dragged outside (in my slippers! Tsk!) to inspect the crisp box … even I (Miss Hopelessly Naive 1802) was beginning to smell a rat by then. When the box was opened and tipped up gently on the grass, not a rat but a chicken emerged! A sister/playmate for Pavlova! Double trouble! And she had already been named Svetlana after the Nobel Lit Prize winner by #4 (maybe the school fees weren’t 100% wasted, after all?)

Bluebell

Svet is a magnificent Bluebell hen – her plumage has a definite blue hue in a certain light, and she was sixteen weeks old when she moved in. She is bigger than Pav with feet large enough to support a strapping 25 lb turkey, perhaps even a Pterodactyl. #4 lives more rurally than us and he chose Svet from a farm local to him, where numerous birds were housed in a large pen with a sandy floor. She was picked up on BBQ day and transported to her slightly more glamorous life – a third of an acre with grass underfoot – on the back seat, just as carefully strapped in as the GDs.

chickenPavlova was doing one of her nesting stints when Svetlana arrived and so they didn’t meet until the next morning, when Pav came to feed – she was a little put out, but feathers didn’t actually fly and since then, while not yet bosom (or chicken breast) buddies, peace has been declared and there is no battle of the beaks to rule the roost. They really couldn’t be more different in personality (yes, they do have personalities!) – while Pav is quite skittish and aloof, rather like a cat who tolerates our presence as long as we know our place and keep her well fed, Svet is really laid back and friendly and follows us around like an adoring puppy. She doesn’t even mind the Grands chasing her and also talks incessantly (which the old chick on the block has never done, apart from very loud crowing when she thinks it’s chow time) making sort of mewling noises, rather like a Moomin with feathers.

Finally, I have reached the conclusion that the OH has been around my warped sense of humour for way too long and has lost his immunity. When no one was looking, he retrieved one of those Nando’s chicken on a stick things (liberated from the restaurant years ago by one of the boys) and stuck it in the grass by the communal food receptacle. Really!

NandosToodles! NP

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PS-

OK, that was my original post for Jenny, written a couple of weeks in advance.

I’m so very sad to report that both Pavlova and Svetlana have since been killed – most likely suspect a cat new to the neighbourhood, that I’ve spotted in the garden at all hours of the day and night.

I know this is a first world problem – that there is dreadful carnage and unimaginable human suffering globally, to which the loss of two spoiled chickens cannot possibly compare, but I do so miss them. For instance, there is no one to greet me when I take an early morning stroll in the garden – they’d spot me a mile off and speed toward me with their silly run-trot, Pavlova making the most unholy din. Of course, I realise they were after food and not my scintillating conversation, but they always made me smile. And Svetlana, being a cheeky young upstart, had taken to sitting on the back door mat if the door was open, a few yards away from me when I was using my lap top at the table – just hanging out.

Goodbye, and thank you, little feathered friends. XX

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Many many thanks fro such a great blog Nell. I shall certainly miss hearing about your chicken friend’s adventures. Pavlova in particular had become a very definite character in her own right. Thank you for sharing so much of her mischief with us on this blog. Hugs. Jenny xxx

(I can’t begin to imagine what the very lovely Mr C junior is thinking if he is reading this right now!!)

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Bio

Nell Peters writes psychological crime novels and is published by Accent Press. Her next protagonist is going to be a chicken.

By Any toher name bus

mybook.to/BAON

Hostile witness bus

mybook.to/hostilewitness

Guest Post from Nell Peters: About 100 Years Ago…

I’m delighted to welcome back Nell Peters for her second ‘end of month’ guest blog of the year! This is a  cracking (and I don’t just mean Pavlova’s eggs) blog post…

Over to you Nell…

Hi Jenny!

I’m afraid that Pavlova the chicken is on the naughty perch at the moment and can’t come out to play. All the attention and fan mail she received after last month’s blog post went straight to her comb and she’s behaving disgracefully. A real poultry diva, in fact. She’s been horribly mean to birds that she deems inferior, has been strutting her stuff like she owns the place and making such a noise, Tim Peake can probably hear her up in his space station. But worst of all, she’s taken to leaving very large deposits right outside the back door. Eeew! That’s it – I’m withdrawing the oxygen of publicity that she craves even more than her dried meal worms, and whether this is a permanent or temporary measure depends entirely upon her behaviour in the immediate future. She can put that in her beak and smoke it. Pavlova is in the hen house.

chicken

Now where was I?

Oh yes, I took a short break recently to meet up with an old friend. About a hundred years ago, I used to share a flat in Kew Gardens with someone I will refer to only as M, to protect the guilty. In case you were wondering, Kew Gardens is a place (now referred to as a village by those fortunate enough to be able to afford the zillion pound price tags of property there) in West London and not just the hallowed centre of horticultural excellence – ergo, we didn’t actually live in a potting shed. There was another girl too – Valerie, but M and I knew each other from ghastly temp jobs we had with British Gas and Valerie was a bit of an also-ran. I wonder whatever happened to her – she was something of a miserable cow (turned her nose up at the rot-gut sherry we used to drink by the bottle, I can’t imagine why) and totally lacked any sense of humour as I recall. Some sort of local government worker, I think, which could explain the comedic bypass.

On Friday evenings M and I used to frequent the local wine bar, run by a rather brassy dame in her forties (she seemed ancient to us then!) who had very amusing affectations, airs and graces, until she’d had one too many glasses – which she did frequently – then all hell let loose and dancing on the tables ensued. Not a pretty sight, as she was a rather large lady, who either didn’t believe in or chose not to invest in controlling underwear. Brassy wasn’t the only entertainment to be had chez Garfield’s – a guy used to sing and play acoustic guitar (both badly), expecting punters to buy him copious amounts of alcohol to keep his tonsils irrigated. It was actually worth buying him a glass or two for the bliss of silence during the (all too short) time it took him to neck the booze.

Kew is within a long stone’s throw of Richmond upon Thames, just two stops on the Tube – where we could have had a much wider choice of great venues to sup the vino, most with some form of decent live music, but there’s a lot to be said for being a short walk from home when the time comes to stagger out the door of a hostelry, especially in Winter. Besides, I always suspected that M used to fancy the singer and that terribly attractive aggressive snarl he shared, if nobody applauded his questionable vocal efforts.

Kew Gardens

Kew Gardens

I was at the flat for only a short time before I got a proper job and moved in not a million miles away with the OH. Valerie and M let my vacant room to a rather dishy Australian guy – and were both bitterly disappointed when they found out he was gay. Unfortunately, he repaid their hospitality by hightailing it back to Oz less than three months later – perhaps he suddenly remembered where he’d left his didgeridoo.

M’s life and mine took very different directions; over the years, I produced a few sprogs and we moved the family to a falling-down house in Norfolk. M visited as frequently as she could and, child duties permitting, I went to see her for some very welcome R&R. Wine was drunk. In abundance. She neither married nor had children – perhaps being the oldest of six had put her off – and eventually moved back to Scotland, from whence she hailed. The visits in both directions became less frequent because of the sheer distance involved and the responsibilities that life throws at us – it didn’t help that the OH would spend long periods working overseas, leaving me in sole charge of four smelly boys.

But children grow more independent with age and gradually they were no longer tied to my apron strings, so a new period evolved in the social lives of M and me. For several years, we have been meeting up intermittently in a variety of UK locations (let’s hear it for bargain air fares and cheap deals on train fares!) – for instance, Edinburgh, Dublin and Newcastle, the latter where we took in the most excruciating ‘Emperor’s New Clothes’ art exhibition (for want of a better description!) at the Baltic Centre. Well I say ‘took in’, but M stomped off in her size eight Doc Martens after about ten seconds – mumbling obscenities – to stick needles in her eyes. But was it art? Actually, no. A bit of a turkey is the kindest description I can manage – but I suppose you have to admire the exhibitor’s nerve. Plus, it was a few years ago now and I can still recall its sheer ghastliness in some detail (I didn’t have M’s nerve to exit, stage left, in a flurry of outrage at the flagrant waste of tax payers’ moolah, and persevered) so it did make an impression of sorts.

We met again most recently in Cambridge – I am now granny to six and M has a huge number of nephews, plus just one niece, so two old ladies sitting in deckchairs, to paraphrase Morecambe and Wise. J She took (very!) early retirement and is travelling a lot, so I was lucky she could fit me in! In all likelihood we will never again Run the World with Bob Geldof (though I’m not sure that he actually ran the first time!), or go on severely bracing hikes here, there and everywhere – or indeed puff, pant and wheeze our way to the top of Arthur’s Seat. That always sounds faintly rude, somehow. I did draw the line, though, at accompanying M to a Wham concert – she bought herself the most awful bright blue synthetic cap thing with ‘George’ plastered all over it, and actually wore it there and back on public transport!

Our main exercise now when we are face to face is talking, catching up generally – and, of course, drinking wine, though not so much as we used to as we’re older and so much wiser. Yeah right!

Just to prove what a wino I am (it was M’s fault – she led me astray), even my two crime novels published by Accent Press are drawn to the bottle.

Nell Peters books

Hostile Witness can be found at mybook.to/hostilewitness and

By Any Other Name is at mybook.to/BAON

See you next month for some more drivel? By the end of July, both Jenny and I will have celebrated our birthdays – actually on the same day, although I suspect she’s decades older than me … J NP

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Another wonderful blog!! Many thanks Nell!

I shall be raising my coffee up to you on 13th July.

Happy reading,

Jenny x

 

 

My First Time: Nell Peters

This week it’s the turn of the always lovely Nell Peters, aka Anne Polhill Walton, to share her first time publishing experiences- and a picture of a chicken…Ummm…

Over to you Nell…

First Time

Can you remember writing the first story you actually wanted to write, rather than those you were forced to write at school? What was it about?

At a loose end over a summer in Montreal (early 20s, pre-children), living in a house with the St Lawrence at the bottom of the garden, I settled down at a picnic table and started writing stories for young children – in between swatting mosquitoes. They were the sort of traditional tales I’d been raised on – gentle escapism, make-believe storylines and not a boy (or girl) wizard in sight, as far as I remember. They were rubbish.

What was your first official publication?

That was a poem published in an anthology for Mother’s Day – I forget what year, but I had four children by then. It was entitled ‘Bonjour Maman’ and some of it was in French, so I had to translate for my mother as she doesn’t speak the lingo.

What affect did that have on your life?

I became rich and famous overnight. Oh no – that wasn’t me. Am eejit.

By Any Name final

Does your first published story reflect your current writing style?

As you specify ‘story’, that would be my psychological crime novel By Any Other Name, which was published in November 2014 by Accent Press. Obviously, my style hasn’t changed too much since then, but with Hostile Witness – launched February 2016, my editor took out a lot (actually most) of the humour I find impossible to resist, to make it quite dark.

Hostile Witness ver 2

What are you working on at the moment?

This questionnaire, silly!

Buy links

By Any Other Name – http://viewbook.at/By_Any_Other_Name_by_Nell_Peters

Hostile Witness – http://mybook.to/hostilewitness

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Author Bio and links

Nell Peters is a pen name, as Anne Polhill Walton is something of a mouthful. After I abandoned my quest to become the next Enid Blyton, I started to write poetry and that remained my first love for many years, before I moved on to writing crime – a genre that very much suits my warped mind. Poetry as a therapy continues to be an interest.

I live in Norfolk UK and most of the family are close-ish, so we have some very chaotic weekend get-togethers, Christmases etc. We are collecting a frightening number of Grands – three of each at the last count. Oh, and Pavlova the chicken who turned up almost two years ago and just stayed. She is named not after a meringue dessert, but Ivan Pavlov (he of dog fame) because she responds to classical conditioning. Did I mention my warped mind?

chicken

On Facebook I have an author page: https://www.facebook.com/NellPetersAuthor/

And on Twitter I am myself as @paegon

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Many thanks Nell (Anne!)- fabulous! Love Pavlova!

Happy reading,

Jenny x

Guest Blog from Nell Peters: The Ides of March-ish

I love having guests on my blog. Some visitors I particularly look forward to, and today I’m thrilled to have one of my favourite guests sharing a little writers wisdom. Please welcome back Nell Peters.

Over to you Nell…

Hello, Jenny – thanks for having me again!

Last time I was a guest blogger here Christmas was approaching fast, with sleigh bells ring-ding-a-ding-a-ling loudly in our ears. Now we are a matter of days away from Easter. Scary! Of course, chocolate eggs and the like have been in the shops since 26th December, possibly before – I wonder what days of the year that posh choc company designate to convert their gold foil-covered bunnies rather unconvincingly into reindeer, or vice versa?

Most of the Christmas break disappeared for me under various edits required for a 4/1 deadline and it will hereinafter be referred to the Swear Box Christmas. This in no way overshadows that of two years ago, which became the Bug Christmas. And I don’t mean those cute little ladybird creatures with innumerable legs and spotted backs.

A PW

On Christmas Eve 2013, the youngest boy was twenty-one and everyone and their dog was coming to stay for several days. In our infinite wisdom, the OH and I felt we should get the main bathroom tarted up a bit for the invasion. Big mistake. Work inevitably fell behind schedule and the self-imposed deadline (22/12) was getting perilously close, when OH managed to put his foot through the floor…which forms part of the dining room ceiling. Not a good look. When everyone arrived on 23rd (actually our anniversary, but mostly forgotten after #4 son gate-crashed the party a week before his due date on New Years Eve) we had rather too few – shall we say – functioning facilities to accommodate the gathered masses. Pioneering spirit to the fore (we are British after all, don’t you know), we could have coped with that, had someone not turned up brewing a tummy bug. I’ll let you join your own dots from there – it was a challenging few days, to put it mildly, with enough left-over food to keep us going until midsummer. Oh, in case you were worrying about it, we did get the ceiling patched up in time – though that was really the least of our worries.

That’s all a distant memory now, and one we may (or may not) find amusing at some time in the future – if we live that long.

I’m pleased to report that Pavlova the chicken survived her second Christmas with us without ending up in the roasting tin – as threatened by various horrid sons throughout the year, amid pointed ‘fattening her up for Christmas’ remarks. Poor Pav didn’t know what she was getting herself into, when she turned up on our land a couple of years ago and decided to stay…

chicken

Back to the here and now…or almost. All the necessary edits were done and dusted on time for Hostile Witness – just as well, as it was on pre-order for a 4th Feb launch, so there was little leeway. But most importantly, another little cutie entered our lives; GD #3 and our fifth Grand, arrived only a little late on 7th Jan, and of course she is just as beautiful as her big sister, Isla. The baby is called Indie, so the ‘I’s have it in that household! Sorry …

Today, 15th March, is the seventy-fifth day of the year (this being a Leap Year – I bet there’s some bright spark out there who knows exactly how many days there are until Christmas 2016. If you find them, please gag them) and was known to the Romans as the Ides – the middle of the month. It was the day in 44BC that Julius Caesar probably wished he hadn’t bothered to get out of bed, or had at least had the presence of mind to wear his dagger-proof Kevlar toga.

dagger

Anything Roman still reminds me of our Head of Latin at school, Miss Mackinder. She was a terrifying woman with protruding teeth and a passion for cats, if not her pupils. She had a glare that could kill at a thousand yards and like most of the staff at that very staid, traditional Grammar she was a spinster who seemed very old – as anyone over twenty does to a young teen. Miss Mack used to spend her holidays in Rome, rescuing stray cats (and quite possibly scaring the natives). The author Judy Astley and I somehow survived years of regulation indoor shoes, regulation outdoor shoes, summer boaters and winter felt hats (hat detention if seen outside school grounds not wearing the damned things), and flame-coloured summer dresses that suited no one and could be seen from outer space. All this amid wood-panelled walls, and an oppressive atmosphere where pupils (all gels, natch) should neither be seen nor heard, or be caught doing anything unladylike. There was a list of school rules as long as the M1 and woe betide anyone who stepped out of line – they still had the cane! Where was ChildLine when we needed it?

Anyway, I digress – fast forward to 15th March 1493, when Christopher Columbus docked in Palos, Spain after his first trip to the Americas. It was a disappointing voyage of discovery because neither Colonel Sanders nor Ronald MacDonald had opened for business and so CC was stuck with paella for another few hundred years. Or maybe I imagined that bit?

Continuing the boat/water theme, in 1927 (when my mum was about six weeks old) the first Oxford v Cambridge Women’s Boat Race was held on the Isis in Oxford. It took place at 1.15 pm, when heads of colleges hoped young men students would be too distracted by their lunch to go along to gawp. To call it a race is a bit of a stretch though, because the boats rowed separately downstream and judging concentrated mainly on style and deportment – perhaps keeping their knees together, balancing books on their heads and not showing their bloomers? When that resulted in a tie, the teams rowed against each other upstream and Oxford won by two points. Ah…those were the days – remember this was a whole year before all women over the age of twenty-one in Great Britain and Northern Ireland were finally given the right to vote. Enlightened times indeed.

Before I send everyone to sleep, perhaps I should plug the latest masterpiece and go, so that you can get on with whatever floats your boat.

newrel

Immaculately edited psychological crime novel Hostile Witness can be found at mybook.to/hostilewitness

Because it was previously self-published, the book comes complete with two 5* reviews – always handy:

‘Many twists and turns – and a cliff-hanger ending. Quite an enjoyable read, with a delightfully twisty plot. Ms. Peters kept me guessing till the end.’

And

‘Thoroughly enjoyed this book and will look forward to the next one from this author. Keeps you guessing till the end.’

Common theme there, as in being kept guessing until the end – I know the end, but I’m not telling. Both reviews come from Amazon.com and were posted on consecutive days three years ago – slightly bizarre, but I’m not complaining!

I’m off now, but remember – beware the Ides of March. Et tu, Jenny! J

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How I remember my own Latin lessons. I was lucky enough to be blessed with a wonderful Latin master- the amazing Mr White. Amazing because he was so patient with me- I was not the best language student!!

Thanks Nell,

Happy reading,

Jenny x

Guest Post from Nell Peters: Christmas Groans

With Christmas just around the corner, I’m delighted that fellow writer, Nell Peters, has found time to climb out from underneath a pile of wrapping paper to chat to us today! Why not grab a mince pie and take five minutes, put your feet up and have a read.

Over to you Nell…

Oh dear; oh calamity; it’s rumbled around yet again – Christmas Day is almost upon us, groan. Bigger groan. Bah-humbug.

Slade have been warbling their wares in the shops for months – it’s the time of year I dislike more and more, despite family celebrations forming a triple whammy. Our anniversary is 23/12; youngest son’s birthday 24/12 and, of course, there’s the main feature on 25th. That’s just a week away. Seven weeny days, or 168 hours – gulp.

christmas presents

I do grit my teeth and make a Herculean effort, though, hoping for sainthood to be bestowed sometime in early January – so far I’ve been disappointed, but I live in hope. For example, each year I hit the Vistaprint web site and waste hours uploading embarrassing photos of family for wall calendars for everyone. It’s become such a tradition that throughout the year, plaintiff cries of ‘Don’t do that – it’ll end up on the calendar!’ ‘She’s got the camera out – I’m off!’ and similar are to be heard en famille. It’s become pretty expensive too, as more and more people keep asking for them. The phrase ‘rod for own back’ comes to mind.

In addition, I have cards printed and until 2011, I composed a seasonal poem to be included, for example:

Santa’s Slip-up

Christmas comes but once a year

The weather’s always chilly

Last year Santa slipped and fell

And bruised his little willy

The air was blue – such naughty words!

Poor Rudolph was distressed

His nose was red, his face blushed too

(No glad tidings were expressed!)

And this one:

Snowmen, tinsel, Christmas trees

it’s that time of year again, but please

don’t make me sit on Santa’s lap

he’s such a very scary chap

If I’ve been good’s for me to know

I’ll not be swayed by Ho, Ho, Ho!

His whiskers tickle and he’s fat

(where did he get that dreadful hat?)

Does his red suit come off the shelf

or was it run up by an elf?

And Mrs Christmas, where is she?

A strange affair, if you ask me

Eleven months he toils away

then piles gifts on his trusty sleigh

to be delivered in one night

By supersonic Concorde flight?

That body’s too rotund to fit

down any chimney, isn’t it?

And those reindeer must be bored to tears

for they get out but once a year

Yet who am I to complain so

questioning the status quo?

I’ll shut up now and strike a pose

hopeful, under mistletoe

Ho! Ho! Ho!

One of many rejects:

Another Yule, another year

It’s time to send good Christmas cheer

This will be short – and maybe sweet

A 140 digit tweet?

Actually, I quite like that one. I don’t expect Carol Ann Duffy is losing any sleep, though.

2011 was a horrid year for us, during which my brother-in-law and three other family members died – only two of whom were OAPs. Number two son also called off his July wedding. Come December, I just couldn’t bring myself to write the jolly Christmas ditty and so we now send cards wishing everyone a Happy New Year. They still have a family picture of some sort – usually the Grands, although this year I’m using an image that number three son photo-shopped for his work last year, with appropriate date inserted. Bang goes his street cred!

AP 1

It’s a bit luminous orange, isn’t it?

When all the paper has been ripped from gifts, the turkey leftovers have been scoffed in various culinary guises, unsuitable presents returned for refund and the New Year seen in, there are four January birthdays – two of my daughters-in-law were actually born on the same day, which a) is slightly spooky and b) shouldn’t be allowed. I say four birthdays – that’s assuming granddaughter number three turns up somewhere around her due date on the third. Can’t wait to meet her!

After all that dust has settled, I can look forward to my next book being launched by Accent Press in February. It’s another crime novel, called Hostile Witness. Blurb below:

When her husband leaves her and their sons to shack up with a younger model, Callie Ashton thinks she’s hit rock bottom. She’s wrong. Already unemployed and struggling to hold everything together, Callie’s life goes into freefall when she stumbles across the murder of a neighbour. The killer soon becomes intent on despatching Callie too, wrongly assuming she can identify him.

Despite her new man, David, being the policeman in charge of the investigation, Callie is in great danger – and it soon becomes clear the murderer isn’t too worried whom he kills or maims by mistake in his quest to eliminate her. No one is safe and the killer seems to know her every movement. With no resolution in sight, Callie feels she has no choice but to take matters into her own hands…but at what cost to her safety – and sanity?

I’ll throw in the opening too, as a taster – call it an early Christmas present, but you can’t get a refund if you don’t like it, I’m afraid.

Hostile Witness cover

Hostile Witness, Chapter One

A military tattoo pounded somewhere behind her eye sockets and her entire body shook involuntarily, despite the heavy blanket wrapped around her shoulders. A mug of sickly sweet tea that had been forced upon her quivered in her grasp and slopped some of its contents onto the tiled floor, where it pooled in a muddy, irregular oval like a Rorschach reject.

Leaning across the table, the tubby policewoman frowned, ‘You know, ma’am, finding a dead body is a terrible shock for anyone – you should drink some of that tea and you’ll feel loads better.’

She really didn’t see how anything could possibly make her feel ‘loads’ better, ever again. ‘I’m trying,’ she lied, wishing the constable would waddle off and leave her alone.

Though the whole country was in the grip of a heat wave, she felt icy sweat trickle its course down her spine, seeping into the tight waistband of her jeans and on down to her knickers. Aware her nose was running, she couldn’t have cared less.

‘Have you contacted Giles – Mr Symonds – yet?’ she asked, ‘He travels a lot and

Dee says … said … he always forgets to turn on his cell phone … and the children – what about the children?’

‘That’s all in hand, ma’am and someone from Family Liaison has gone to the school to break the news. Sarah and Tom, isn’t it?’

‘Thomas … he’s always called Thomas.’ The PC’s manner was brisk and – to her at least – irritating,

‘Right you are then – don’t you go worrying about no one else, everything is under control.’

More tears flowed unchecked and she slopped more tea, ‘Poor Giles – he left for work this morning and everything was normal … now his wife is dead. Poor Giles … poor Sarah and Thomas …’ she knew she was rambling, teetering on the verge of losing control – and she just wanted to be left in peace.

The policewoman grabbed a battered box of tissues from the work surface and thrust it toward her, heavy features clenched into an ugly, no-nonsense gargoyle grimace. ‘But it can’t have been normal can it, ma’am – not if Mrs Symonds was planning to top herself, just as soon as them kids left for school?’

She didn’t much like the younger woman’s attitude, but when she closed her eyes to blot her out, all she could see were the deep gashes in Dee’s white wrists, as they bobbed in bloodied water. Her stomach lurched ominously and she was afraid she might be sick again.

She had to change the subject, ‘What’s your name?’

Holding her notebook with pen poised, anxious to start writing, she replied, ‘Constable Stephens, ma’am. You can call me Sally, if you want. Now tell me, did you actually see Mr Symonds leave the house this morning?’

Dutifully, she cast her mind back, ‘Err … well no actually, not that I remember … I just assumed.’

Sally’s lips pursed, ‘I see …’ she tutted, or maybe it was a cluck.

Someone rapped on the open back door and entered the kitchen without waiting to be invited – she lacked the energy to turn around to see who it was.

‘Callie?’

She recognised the voice … Confused, she looked up to see David. Why was he there, she wondered?

Sally lumbered to her feet, ‘Hello, Sir. Mrs Ashton here is right shaken up about next door, but she’s refusing to go to hospital to be checked over.’ In that one short sentence, Stephens managed to convey that everything was Callie’s fault because she wouldn’t cooperate – she imagined Sally as a creepy swot and or teacher’s pet at school.

‘Thanks constable – Callie and I are old friends, so I’ll take over in here. I’m sure

there’s something useful you could be doing elsewhere?’ His direct stare allowed little room for manoeuvre.

Sally bristled, stretched rolls of neck fat away from her stiff white collar and jutted her chin. ‘Sir,’ she snarled and then stomped off, shirt stuck to her back with sweat.

Wearily, Callie asked him, ‘What are you doing here, David – and why did she just call you sir? Come to think of it, when did we become ‘old friends’?’

He looked uncomfortable and squirmed, twitching his shoulders, ‘Ah … I … um … didn’t get around to telling you before, Callie – I’m a detective.’ A blush of bright crimson scuffed each of his cheekbones.

She really felt nothing could surprise her now, ‘Oh … OK.’

He went to the sink and ran cool water to rinse her face, which she guessed was probably not looking its best.

As he gently pushed the hair back from her forehead she whispered, ‘Thanks, that feels good.’ But when she closed her eyes to savour the moment, she was immediately back in next door’s bathroom again, staring at a mutilated body – so she opened them wide, ‘Why CID? Dee committed suicide, didn’t she?’ She felt so strangely detached she could hardly focus on him.

‘Probably, but we attend any unexpected death as a matter of course, just to be on

the safe side, and I happened to be in the area when the address came over the radio.’

‘Right …’

She refused the offer of another tea, while he brewed a coffee for himself.

Taking the chair opposite hers, he sat Christine Keeler-style and asked, ‘I expect you’ve already told the other officers everything you know, but would you mind going over it one more time for me, please?’

For me, the book’s ending was very satisfying – and it just fell into my lap unexpectedly. How bad can that be? J

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Nell Peters

Nell Peters is my pen name and I am primarily a crime writer – check out By Any Other Name, also published through Accent Press, on Amazon:

http://viewbook.at/By_Any_Other_Name_by_Nell_Peters

There’s still time for you to buy a zillion copies as Christmas pressies for friends and family!

OK – time to do something constructive before our domestic Poland is invaded by a cast of thousands.

Merry Christmas to one and all and a very Happy 2016! And for those of you confirmed bah-humbuggers like me, it will all be over very soon and normal service (whatever that is!) will be resumed. See you on the other side (I so, so hate that stupid expression!) Ho, ho, bloody ho and ding dong merrily on high during a silent night – with sleigh bells ringing! OK, obviously if you want to be picky, it wouldn’t be a very silent night if sleigh bells were ringing …

Finally, thanks very much indeed to Jenny, for once again risking her excellent blogging reputation by letting me loose on here – especially on 18/12. I do like a bit of Beethoven, don’t you?

NP

***

Great post Scrooge!! Lol- thanks Nell. Hope you have a lovely Christmas.

Happy reading everyone,

Jenny x

 

 

 

 

 

Guest Post from Nell Peters: Write Therapy

I’m delighted to welcome Nell Peters back to my site today! This is a fabulously poetic blog!!

Over to you Nell…

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Hello again – and huge thanks to Jenny Kane for risking her blog’s fine reputation once more.

Since I was last here, I’m thrilled to have signed another contract with Accent Press, for Hostile Witness, a psychological crime/thriller. It will probably appear in 2016, after I’ve pared down the word count by approx 6,000 words – don’t you just hate it when that happens? Hostile is my Book That Will Not Die, having been around for quite a while – initially written in the first person, now converted to third. It sold reasonably well on sites such as Lulu.com and later Amazon KDP and collected some spanking reviews – but no publisher showed more than a sniff of interest, until lovely Greg Rees cast his eagle eye over it. Hey presto!

Here’s the blurb:

When her husband leaves her and their sons to shack up with a mere child, Callie Ashton thinks she’s hit rock bottom. She’s wrong. Already unemployed – possibly unemployable – and struggling to hold everything together, her life goes into freefall when she finds a neighbour dead and the murderer becomes intent on killing her too, wrongly assuming she can identify him.

Nothing makes sense – the killer’s motive is buried deep in the past and the police seem incapable of finding it. Despite her new man, David, being in charge of the investigation, Callie is in great danger – and the sinister Balaclava Man isn’t too worried whom he kills or maims by mistake, in his quest to eliminate her. No one is safe and Balaclava Man seems to know her every movement. Faced with a mounting body count and what she perceives as police ineptitude, Callie feels she has no choice but to take matters into her own hands.

However, she discovers that like a scorpion, Balaclava Man has a sting in his tail and many a twist in his plot – and she has no idea just how very close to home the real danger lurks.

Even when her nemesis is safely behind bars and she dares to resume normal life, a shocking revelation makes her realise she and her family may never be safe.

How can you resist? ☺

Someone asked me recently how I came to write crime – good question, and it was a very convoluted pathway. Probably like most authors, I’ve always had some writing project or other on the go – from dreadful children’s stories to creative missives to the milkman. When the family suffered a bereavement, I suddenly started to write poetry even though I’d never been a particular fan – not serious stuff, as you might reasonably imagine, but mostly humorous.

More or less for my own amusement, I was writing a how-to book on composing basic poetry, when I read of research undertaken at Bristol Royal Infirmary, which concluded that creative writing – poetry in particular – had helped patients suffering from depression, anxiety, bereavement and stress, to the extent that over half were eventually able to stop taking their medication. I could recognise that improvement in myself, even though I’d never been under the chemical cosh. Much like you might write a letter or email to someone you’re really pissed off with – and probably never send it, because you feel a whole lot better after venting your feelings on paper – writing poetry can be a means of expressing destructive, negative emotions so that they become impotent. You have written them down, so you are in control.

As Graham Greene said; ‘Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation.

I rehashed my masterpiece to include the research findings and sent it off to the Submissions Editor at Hodder Stoughton. Though she said I’d ‘taken her breath away’, (I think she meant it as a compliment) ultimately it wasn’t for them, but she asked me to write a novel and let her see it. I decided on crime, because that is mostly what I read for pleasure – too bad the editor was made redundant before I had got as far as typing The End, but it didn’t stop me plugging away.

write therapy cover

I recently revised Write Therapy, incorporating snippets of what I learned when I returned to uni to read Psychology and Sociology. It now reclines on Amazon KDP – if you mention poetry to publishers in general, they tend to suck air in through their teeth and shake their heads meaningfully, in much the same way that car mechanics do when they sense a hopeless auto-dunce in their midst, just waiting to be led to the slaughter.

One of the exercises in Write Therapy is to write as someone else. I have had a character named Bazil Bratt knocking around in my head for years – he uses his way with words as a form of therapeutic escapism from a pretty miserable existence, although at eight or nine he’s probably far too young to realise that. He writes about things he has seen or done at school or home and drifts off into his own little world, where nothing can touch him. Writing is his creative armour, his defence mechanism.

Grub’s Up

School dinners are disgusting

All lumpy, green and gooey

I don’t know what we had today

But it was very chewy

The standard of the cooking

Gets worser everyday

The bins are fit to burst by one

As we throw the muck away

The local pigs are laughing

They get such a lot to eat

Well, they’re welcome to my dinner

‘Cos it smells like cheesy feet

Birthday Boy

It was my birthday yesterday

and the coolest gift has come my way

a whoopee cushion! It does loud farts

and I’ve got placing it down to an art

When Granny came to birthday tea

I sat her down right next to me

The foulest noise then filled the air

(it was under the padding, on her chair)

Poor Granny bowed her head in shame

I was delighted with this game!

But as Gran turned the brightest red

My rotten Mum sent me to bed

Season of Goodwill

The Nativity Play didn’t go too well

in fact, it was a big disaster

The scenery fell right off the stage

and landed on the Headmaster

We could have coped and covered that up

if it hadn’t been for the lighting

a spotlight blew and frightened the Mayor

then he and Joseph started fighting

Peace and Goodwill to All Men – maybe

but not in our school hall

The audience rose and rolled up their sleeves

and the play ended up in a brawl

Beanz Meanz Farts

Monday, we had beans for tea

(we had no bread for toast)

But it didn’t matter, we were quite content

seeing who could fart the most

First Bern let rip – a noxious pong

that scored eight out of ten

but the big surprise was the amazing noise

that came from Little Ben

Easter Bun

That Easter Bunny should get the sack

He forgot our eggs, but didn’t come back

To apologise and give us the chocs

May myxomatosis rot his socks

It’s not as though he’s overworked

Just once a year the little jerk

Has to hop around delivering the loot

If he can’t manage that, then give him the boot

Dad’s Stir

Our Dad is doing porridge

No, not the cereal kind

He’s gone to jail for many years

And left Mum in a bind

But she is very lucky

She has we four young men

If we could just dig up Dad’s loot

We’d not need him again

We’d fly off to the sunshine

For unlimited ice cream

But ‘til Dad coughs and draws a map

We sit and freeze and dream

Ralph

Our dog called Ralph is brainy

He’s qualified in Woof

He doesn’t have a girlfriend, though

I think Ralph is a poof

Nitty Nora

The Nit Nurse came to school today

She looked through all our hair

But I’ve no head lice, so she says

Well! I don’t think that’s fair

I could train them to do circus tricks:

Acrobatics and trapeze

Wait! Another plan has come to me

I could always breed cat fleas

And finally, returning to every small boy’s favourite subject: farts;

The Bum’s Rush

The laughs and guffaws had turned to screams

When my brother was playing with chums

I rushed to his room to see why the fuss

And saw flames attacking his bum

I scooped up the duvet, to smother the fire

(He was lucky I got there so fast)

No real harm done, though his pants were destroyed

And he had blisters all over his arse

The aim of their game was to fart and ignite

But my brother’s a dense little brat

He didn’t remove his underwear

And his friends set fire to that

 

I don’t think Carol Ann Duffy is losing any sleep …

Perhaps I should go, before the men in white coats catch up with me.

Write Therapy – also written under my pen name Nell Peters, can be found at:

viewBook.at/WriteTherapy

My currently crime novel, By Any Other Name, published by Accent Press, can be found at: viewBook.at/By_Any_Other_Name_by_Nell_Peters

By Any Name final

Thank you again, Jenny!

***

Wonderful blog! Love the poems!

Happy reading,

Jenny xx

 

Guest Post from Anne Polhill Walton: Real life interventions, crime, and a female Jack the Ripper!

I’m welcoming a first time blogger to my site today! The lovely Anne Polhill Walton- otherwise known as Nell Peters- is sharing her route to publication.

Over to you Anne…

Hi everyone – and huge thanks to Jenny for taking the risk of letting a complete novice loose on her blog. I’ll try not to lower the tone, or indeed bore anyone to distraction.

Like many, my road to publication was a long and rocky one and dogged by pesky real-life interventions. Along the way, I produced a clutch of strapping sons, moved country and back again and remarried – latterly I went back to Uni to read psychology and sociology, in the hope of giving my plots and characterisation an edge. Some of my fellow students were a study in themselves – definitely a few psychos in their midst, who made me feel quite normal … and as for the lecturers …

Probably my most memorable assignment was a presentation on women serial killers – that was my typically bloodthirsty choice, the brief being based around gender. During my twenty minutes or so in the spotlight (which I absolutely hate!), I managed to persuade a worrying number of students that Jack the Ripper was in fact a fifty-something woman called Evangeline. She had a full, fictitious biography, including nursing in the Crimea with Florence Nightingale, which is where she learned her surgical skills – obviously I should get out more.

The handout has reclined on https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/109930 for ages – and some kind soul recently gave it a 5* review, reminding me it was there! However, Evangeline – a name I plucked from the air, figuring it was rare enough not to cause any problems – had to become Ernestine, when the youngest boy brought his girlfriend (now fiancée) home and introduced her as Evie, short for Evangeline.

Armed with a scraped 2:1 Hons, plus an implied award for being the oldest student on campus, I ditched the textbooks, ceremoniously burned my dissertation on Jean-Jacques Rousseau (who definitely displayed schizophrenic tendencies!), and dug out some of the crime novels I’d written previously. Ignoring the aged pile of rejection slips big enough to fill the local recycling facility, I read through and edited the books to within an inch of their lives and posted some on Amazon KDP.

But there was one book I couldn’t edit, because (when he was going through his mercifully short Bill Gates stage) number three son deleted it in error and it could not be retrieved. No backup. Gulp. So, I set about a rewrite of By Any Other Name, and I have to admit that some of the psychology stuff came in useful – for a start, the protagonist, Emily Kelly, is a mature (though nowhere near as mature as I was!) psychology student. She always was, long before I went back to uni – spooky. To earn a crust Emily takes a vacation job as companion to retired industrialist Sir Gerald Ffinche, and falls in love with his son, Richard – and he with her. So, on the face of it, a romantic novel where everyone lives happily ever after? Nope. I don’t do happy! It seems someone wants to spoil the couple’s idyll and bodies start to mount, while subtle clues are left to incriminate Emily. But who? The reader is spoiled for choice…

When I submitted to Accent Press, I was thrilled to hear from their lovely editor Greg, who asked to read the rest of the novel. Naturally I sent it off before he changed his mind, but realistically I was expecting another rejection to add to my impressive collection.

But on the eve of our youngest granddaughter’s first birthday, Greg came back to me and said he liked the book and had been flabbergasted twice by plot twists. (Even though I wrote the thing, I couldn’t imagine what the second one was …) A brief happy dance and it was back to reality, as I’d foolishly promised to help make a fairy princess castle birthday cake – and I am a complete non-starter in the domesticity stakes. Greg very helpfully sent a link to M&S princess castle cakes, only for my relief to be punctured by the minimum seven day advance order requirement – I was working on not much more than seven hours!

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Son and I somehow managed to construct a cake, which looked quite reasonable from afar (which the kitchen most certainly did not) – and the publishing process began.

At the end of November 2014, genre-hopping By Any Other Name, written under my pen name Nell Peters, hit Amazon as an eBook and POD.

Anne P W By Any Name final

Blurb:

Emily Kelly cannot believe her luck when she is employed as companion to Sir Gerald Ffinche. (Luck had nothing to do with it – but all’s fair in love and job-seeking, right?)

She soon settles in chez Ffinche and builds an excellent rapport with Sir Gerald – but it’s his son Richard who really interests her, and they quickly become inseparable. However, it seems their happiness has enraged someone closely associated with the family, and a series of tragic events is set in motion. Subtle clues are left to incriminate Emily and when she determines to expose the real culprit, she is spoiled for choice. As the body count mounts, Emily and Richard – as well as the police – are perplexed. They’re clearly looking for someone who projects a mask of sanity to the world, whilst being dangerously disturbed: but who? A whole shoal of red herrings support a plot that veers from almost-cosy to a taut psychological thriller to make By Any Other Name an enthralling, chilling whodunit.

You can find it here:

UK http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_4_4?url=search-alias%3Ddigital-text&field-keywords=nell%20peters&sprefix=nell%2Cdigital-text%2C310

US http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_8?url=search-alias%3Ddigital-text&field-keywords=nell+peters&sprefix=nell+pet%2Cdigital-text%2C412

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Potted bio:

Despite being born in Wimbledon and raised in Twickenham, Anne Polhill Walton is not in the least sporty – and so she thought it prudent to move to Norfolk. Because her name is a bit of a mouthful, she uses the pen name Nell Peters, taken from her parents’ Christian names, and she has actually been asked which is which … Another name she answers to is Grannie Annie, after three out of four sons produced children. Two are girls, and so she is finally able to indulge in buying stereotypical pink. Even though she doesn’t like pink.

***

Many thanks Anne! I am honoured to be the host of your very first guest blog! I loved it!

Happy reading everyone,

Jenny x

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